Lazy Lazy Lazy

February ? And here it's almost October.... good gods!
Let's see what has happened.... I'm still unemployed, still searching for the bird that would make his nest on my limbs (that's sounds kinda Horror film like) I'm desperately addicted to making chainmaille and did a few art shows here and there through the summer.

I think a rewind is necessary.

Currently I am single... there are two that are always in my watchful eye, I swear both of them want their cake and the ability to eat it too. My past history with men has not changed. I always find the ones that burn out of the feelings for companionship and only want it when they want it.

I am a stickler for anonymity so I'll call one the good boy and the other the lost boy.

I see the lost boy on a regular basis. We've gone to one BDSM event in South Western Michigan, and had a blast. I'm far to easy on him than normal. Probably because I care deeply for him. My first mistake. I have the uncanny ability to let men who are lazy subs walk all over me. Call a spade a spade, I am a wuss when I care about them. Lost boy needs me. He doesn't know just how much yet. I'm not sure if I'm willing to give him everything only to be in the same boat I was with Brian, only to get hurt again.

The good boy isn't always good, he is selective in his communication. This drives me INSANE. I have no inhibitions with the good boy. Yet I still cut him slack. I am nothing yet consistantly disappointing myself in that regard.

Sometimes I think in this sea of pine and oak and birch I live in (literally) I am alone.. the lone willow that weeps for herself and others. Not necessarily in that order. I want so desperately to be the one someone wants and needs that I will do anything, say anything to get that response. How unhealthy is that?

The snow will fall soon, my branches will be bare and exposed, much like they are now. I'm contemplating delving into my writing again, as I tend not to have this need while the weather is warm and the sun shines long hours of the day.

Old friends keep cropping up. (Hi Shaari, welcome to the willow grove. You'll get used to my symbolism and gothic nature to my rants)

And new old friends remain. I love you Wendy, without you, my life would be darker and even moonlight could not find me.

More after this weekend; last artshow of the season... maybe... maybe one more in October.

What goes around

I never was fully convinced beyond the basic concept of Karma.

I've never been a vindictive person... sure I've been angry and wanted bad things to happen to people that have wronged me. But never did I think if I 'turned the other cheek' and went on my merry way, would Karma deal them with a hand that was in direct confrontation with what they feared or were unable to handle themselves.

People say " God doesn't give you what you can't handle "

Now anyone that knows me knows, I don't necessary subscribe to that theory.

In this case, after being with Brian for 2 years, knowing he had no interest in children. Knowing he was very confused about his interest in Crossdressing and being used by men. And thinking I could change him and we'd be together forever... was a precursor for my Karmic eventuality.

Once I realised that he wouldn't change, that anything I encouraged or discouraged would just amplify his interests... I got lazy...

Eventually when he broke up with me in July, I could have unwrapped a very bitter disclosure about his interests to his friend and family who would be mortified. Did I want to? Yes. Did I ? No, counting on Karma to find a moment in his life to hand him something that would balance the bad he dealt me.

My friend M, formerly a co worker, informed me that her cousin was with a guy, named Brian, who was from Rockford, who installed dog fences... liked to hunt and fish, last name is the same and was pregnant.

Just goes to show you, you don't have to fuck someone over when they do wrong to you... it happens naturally...

I'm so giddy it's terrible... but it looks like being good isn't all that bad... :)

Absence...

Four long months.... and the willow stands alone.

I keep going on and on with this Tree analogy and honestly after today's events I've about had it with my attempts at gliding through life and acting as if nothing effects me.

I've been 'let go' from my position and there are no 'compatible' jobs for me at Corporate. I have since December lost touch with Rick... VERY disappointed in that. And further... my newest acquaintance is proving to be another poor decision in judgment.

Right now it's raining.. and what normally calms and soothes me... the pattern of droplets falling on the roof; is slowly pushing me further along the downward spiral.

Fighting becoming a curled up ball of nothing is going to be very difficult. My eyes dart everywhere for some sign of solace or salvation, with no eventual relief.

One pair of eyes move over these words and they belong to a wonderful woman I am privileged to call my friend. Perhaps it's best that the fewer that see how close I am again to that black hole of emotional darkness since Gavin died, the better.

I hold it all together for my Mom's sake. But it's going to come to a head soon and spill out like so much pent up anger I have no idea how it will resolve its self.

I'm too old to be angry at the world and I'm too young to be 'okay' with all the absolute bullshit that's been handed me.

All I want to do is sink further into the arms of someone... anyone... and how sad is that?
Right now I'd settle for a Lumberjack with a chainsaw.