Monday, October 20, 2008

Trees have eyes, yet they cannot see

My eyes...

They see things differently than how you see them. You look at a tree and see a tree. I look at the tree and see how it bends to the unforgiving force of the wind..and I feel it; the gnarled bark and twisted limbs that climb to the sky to capture the slightest ray of sunshine, or fall to the earth and river to desperately seek the nourishment it needs to survive. My eyes see more than leaves, roots and thick, bulky trunks.

I am a tree... sometimes old... withered... needy tree who's branches find some comfort wrapped around ideals and memories that fade with each passing day....

Other times... willowy, graceful (at least trying to be) and always searching to shelter, protect and keep safe those that cannot fend for themselves. The water of the river that runs so deep, reflect the need to protect as be protected... to bring order in otherwise chaos.Teaming with life and exuberance; taking in every opportunity to do more than get by on the bank of the river, but to truly LIVE.

My eyes see... things you may not. Even in the darkness of the many different kinds of trees around me. If you could see what I see..... Who knows what you'd think of me then...

Who knows...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Back from the past

I'm back from vacation and it was more than enlightening.

I learned a lot about myself and how I view the world. How things change and how I compromise myself for the sake of pleasing others and getting attention.

I'll post pictures when I get them uploaded, I had to order a new USB cord for my camera, because I can't find the one it came with. My bad.

For now, I have decided that as difficult as it may be, I will not have disconnected 'encounters' any longer. While my time with Bill was for the most part outstanding in the physical aspect, the emotional fall out was unforgiving. I tried so hard not to let myself sabotage what could have been an all around very good time. While taking him to his mom's in Utica, I lost it and pretended I was experiencing some 'contact lens' issues. It was obvious what was going on and of course it made him feel terrible and he tried his best to ignore it.

Seeing Rob was amazing... and yet also melancholy for me. It's funny how we put people on pedestals and keep them there for so long... perhaps he will continue to be on one in my mind's eye.

The bright light of all of this was before my attempt at emotional hari kari, I got a text from rick. It brought a much needed smile to my face and something positive to look forward.

Further; Wendy came with me to the concert originally scheduled to be attended by Bill. I was seriously upset when he, at the last minute bailed out. Of course I sounded like it was no big deal but being an over-planner, and this the only thing I had planned MONTHS in advance, it really upset me. Needless to say I won't be going to Seattle in the spring. And I can predict that the communication with Bill will cease to exist most likely after Christmas/Yule.

The Concert was amazing. Great music... good times. I was really glad that She came with me. I can't wait for the wedding. I'm so happy for them.

Monday, October 6, 2008

When a seed is planted a tree may grow

Every life has it's journey... Each person affects the path I walk. Friends, family they shape me still, even as I age, mature, make decisions for myself.
It's taken a long time for me to learn to walk my own path and not rely on others opinions, approval and ideals so much.

I am a complicated woman in an ever simplifying, instant gratification seeking world.

I've met three... I've wondered if they know I think in terms of trees... they will now... He is her Master... her sun and rain... He tends her well and nurtures her like the wonder she is... She is *sigh*... she is a lightening touched maple... her arms open wide like full branches of crimson and fire orange... it's dazzling really... I look forward to the nights under the stars I might kneel and look up in wonder, stretching my arms up with curious fingers.. tracing, if She allows; the marks from the blade that saved her.

My third... my hopeful... an oak... at least for now it is what I see in the fog of distance and wishful thinking... Tall, steady, learned... more on the oak when the mist lifts and I am able to climb to the top and rest in the limbs.

Another journey begins soon... two paths; running parallel to one another...