Tuesday, February 17, 2009

What goes around

I never was fully convinced beyond the basic concept of Karma.

I've never been a vindictive person... sure I've been angry and wanted bad things to happen to people that have wronged me. But never did I think if I 'turned the other cheek' and went on my merry way, would Karma deal them with a hand that was in direct confrontation with what they feared or were unable to handle themselves.

People say " God doesn't give you what you can't handle "

Now anyone that knows me knows, I don't necessary subscribe to that theory.

In this case, after being with Brian for 2 years, knowing he had no interest in children. Knowing he was very confused about his interest in Crossdressing and being used by men. And thinking I could change him and we'd be together forever... was a precursor for my Karmic eventuality.

Once I realised that he wouldn't change, that anything I encouraged or discouraged would just amplify his interests... I got lazy...

Eventually when he broke up with me in July, I could have unwrapped a very bitter disclosure about his interests to his friend and family who would be mortified. Did I want to? Yes. Did I ? No, counting on Karma to find a moment in his life to hand him something that would balance the bad he dealt me.

My friend M, formerly a co worker, informed me that her cousin was with a guy, named Brian, who was from Rockford, who installed dog fences... liked to hunt and fish, last name is the same and was pregnant.

Just goes to show you, you don't have to fuck someone over when they do wrong to you... it happens naturally...

I'm so giddy it's terrible... but it looks like being good isn't all that bad... :)

Monday, February 9, 2009


Four long months.... and the willow stands alone.

I keep going on and on with this Tree analogy and honestly after today's events I've about had it with my attempts at gliding through life and acting as if nothing effects me.

I've been 'let go' from my position and there are no 'compatible' jobs for me at Corporate. I have since December lost touch with Rick... VERY disappointed in that. And further... my newest acquaintance is proving to be another poor decision in judgment.

Right now it's raining.. and what normally calms and soothes me... the pattern of droplets falling on the roof; is slowly pushing me further along the downward spiral.

Fighting becoming a curled up ball of nothing is going to be very difficult. My eyes dart everywhere for some sign of solace or salvation, with no eventual relief.

One pair of eyes move over these words and they belong to a wonderful woman I am privileged to call my friend. Perhaps it's best that the fewer that see how close I am again to that black hole of emotional darkness since Gavin died, the better.

I hold it all together for my Mom's sake. But it's going to come to a head soon and spill out like so much pent up anger I have no idea how it will resolve its self.

I'm too old to be angry at the world and I'm too young to be 'okay' with all the absolute bullshit that's been handed me.

All I want to do is sink further into the arms of someone... anyone... and how sad is that?
Right now I'd settle for a Lumberjack with a chainsaw.