Sunday, October 19, 2008

Back from the past

I'm back from vacation and it was more than enlightening.

I learned a lot about myself and how I view the world. How things change and how I compromise myself for the sake of pleasing others and getting attention.

I'll post pictures when I get them uploaded, I had to order a new USB cord for my camera, because I can't find the one it came with. My bad.

For now, I have decided that as difficult as it may be, I will not have disconnected 'encounters' any longer. While my time with Bill was for the most part outstanding in the physical aspect, the emotional fall out was unforgiving. I tried so hard not to let myself sabotage what could have been an all around very good time. While taking him to his mom's in Utica, I lost it and pretended I was experiencing some 'contact lens' issues. It was obvious what was going on and of course it made him feel terrible and he tried his best to ignore it.

Seeing Rob was amazing... and yet also melancholy for me. It's funny how we put people on pedestals and keep them there for so long... perhaps he will continue to be on one in my mind's eye.

The bright light of all of this was before my attempt at emotional hari kari, I got a text from rick. It brought a much needed smile to my face and something positive to look forward.

Further; Wendy came with me to the concert originally scheduled to be attended by Bill. I was seriously upset when he, at the last minute bailed out. Of course I sounded like it was no big deal but being an over-planner, and this the only thing I had planned MONTHS in advance, it really upset me. Needless to say I won't be going to Seattle in the spring. And I can predict that the communication with Bill will cease to exist most likely after Christmas/Yule.

The Concert was amazing. Great music... good times. I was really glad that She came with me. I can't wait for the wedding. I'm so happy for them.

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