Monday, February 9, 2009

Absence...

Four long months.... and the willow stands alone.

I keep going on and on with this Tree analogy and honestly after today's events I've about had it with my attempts at gliding through life and acting as if nothing effects me.

I've been 'let go' from my position and there are no 'compatible' jobs for me at Corporate. I have since December lost touch with Rick... VERY disappointed in that. And further... my newest acquaintance is proving to be another poor decision in judgment.

Right now it's raining.. and what normally calms and soothes me... the pattern of droplets falling on the roof; is slowly pushing me further along the downward spiral.

Fighting becoming a curled up ball of nothing is going to be very difficult. My eyes dart everywhere for some sign of solace or salvation, with no eventual relief.

One pair of eyes move over these words and they belong to a wonderful woman I am privileged to call my friend. Perhaps it's best that the fewer that see how close I am again to that black hole of emotional darkness since Gavin died, the better.

I hold it all together for my Mom's sake. But it's going to come to a head soon and spill out like so much pent up anger I have no idea how it will resolve its self.

I'm too old to be angry at the world and I'm too young to be 'okay' with all the absolute bullshit that's been handed me.

All I want to do is sink further into the arms of someone... anyone... and how sad is that?
Right now I'd settle for a Lumberjack with a chainsaw.

2 comments:

J3 and his slut Wendy said...

my arms are always open.

In the spring , all things are new again.

S/syn said...

Goddess willing that it becomes new soon... seriously